falling back into hatred...

weird weird period of my life this one. Technically I feel I'm somewhat regressing to old feelings I haven't felt in such a long time, I forgot how they even "looked like". Been kinda short-tempered lately, maybe because of all the comotion with the easter and everything. Didn't really have time for anything least of all for myself. I've been reevaluating a lot of the things that make up my life, connections with other people, humane interactions, and even the stupid chats I engage in daily... Somehow it seems like all I manage to do is to offend the people I come in contact with, and probably after finishing this blog entry I'm gonna unwillingly insult some more people... you know who you are... I don't really know why, or how, but it just seems like all I ever managed to do lately is put my foot in my mouth each time I started talking. Worse of all is all the hatred that's slowly taking over my mental mood lately, like a slow action poison that corrodes everything it touches. I guess I feel like I'm trapped in a glass room screaming at the people watching me from the outside, but they never seem to hear what I'm saying. Yeah, that's the best that could describe my current state of mind. I'm on vacation, but it doesn't feel like anything special... Easter least of all... it didn't feel special at all this yeah, it was just another day like so many others. I got dragged to a couple of graveyards yesterday morning, and a lot of fun that was... Listening for about 3 straight hours of a priest's mindless incessant babble almost turned me into a wailing nutcase. But I guess it's the least I could do to please my parents... After all I guess it was time spent with the family... I don't know... feeling so isolated and neglected lately, I don't know what to believe anymore... gonna wrap this entry up... probably gonna add a new one some time this week...

barely pushing forward...

here I am again, updating this blog thingie... I guess it's slowly starting to take up some considerable size. Nothing really new to add to the former posts, except that the state of confusion I was talking about is kinda amplified now... and I've been trying desperately to get out of the "pit I fell in". So now my mood alternates between depression, hyperactivity, laughter, sadness, depression, worry, depression and some more depression and worry... heh, I guess I register as a class A mental case. Somehow it feels I'm moving forward, but I can't tell for sure. I'm more composed than a few weeks ago, but still so confused. I've been typing away at my book some more, and it seems it started to develop pretty well... I can hardly wait to finish it and see if I manage to publish it... but that's gonna happen (if it's gonna happen) in the somewhat distant future. I mailed the Meric Language School in Osaka as my Japanese teacher suggested, but still no reply yet. I wonder why that doesn't surprise me... Everything seems so faded and bleak, and my mood isn't helping anything. I guess now that the weather's improved a bit it feels a little bit better, but what can I say? It's not enough to fully get back to my old happy mental state... I'll wrap this entry up... I can't really think straight right now...