a year older...

heh, it's been awhile since I've posted in this blog thingie... I guess I never really settled the idea in my skull that I've got this thing, and that it's a good idea to update it from time to time, at least once every two months... lol... heh, my birthday came and went, just like any other day, considering that it used to be such a special time of the year, and then it somehow became just your average day of the week/year... nothing fun about it, nothing special about it... don't get me wrong...it was fun having all my friends around me, drinking, talking, smoking, playing pool... laughing our asses off, basically having a good time... the time spent with my folks was also enjoyable, 'cause it's been awhile since I've given them any of my time... so I really enjoyed catching up on recent events with my parents, and finding out what their wishes were, or their recent plans to go to some skiing resort in the mountains... I guess they deserve a few weeks off, considering they haven't taken some time off work in about 2 or maybe 3 years... I'm getting older, and they're not getting any younger, and I dread the day when... I dare not say it... nevermind that... bottom line is... it was a great time... it just didn't FEEL special like it used to... it seems that somewhere along the way I've lost taste for all that made me happy once... I remember when I was a kid, I used to spend time around the christmas tree, and smell the sweet scent of the branches, and look out the window as the snow would pour down from the grey skies, turning everything white... aah, those were the days... but last christmas... nothing... I barely spent any time around the christmas tree... I was always passing through... taking quick glances in that general direction, then mindind my own business... something's changed... well besides the fact that I've grown more mature since those days... but something's definitely changed, I can't help having the feeling I'm missing something, and I can't put my finger on it... either way... I guess I'll have to figure that one out for myself...

the stuff dreams are made of...

weird week, this one... lotsa spare time so far... school's same old boring story with teachers that mostly have no idea of what they're talking about, students that don't really give a rat's ass about classes or seminars or labs... same old bad weather - rainy, wet, cold and foggy - speciffic for this time of the year... This place used to be a bad place 'cause I'd have enough time to let my mind drift, and they were usualy things that hurt, or brought me into a state of brooding depression... but now that the torment and the things that caused it all are all gone... my mind is free to think about the next move, the next stage of this weird existence; to find out how to better take advantage of the possibilities or the proximity of others... Been doing a lot of reading: Clavell's Shogun, and I just can't seem to leave the book aside and do anything else... good author, awesome book... probably the best I've read so far 'cause of my affinity for all things Japanese. Either way, friends of mine that have read the book, but don't share my love for Japan have become instant fans. Still got the second novel to go, so I've still got a few hundred pages of pleasure and reading left... Hopefuly a friend of mine will manage to supply a little bit of "the stuff dreams are made of" by the end of this week, and if all goes well we'll be enjoying its effects... if you people know what I mean... if not.. all the same :)... again, I can hardly wait to get back home... hopefuly I'll manage to spend a little bit more time with mom and dad... either way, I'll see how things go... everything is ok now... I can hardly believe it, but everything is ok... maybe this is the stuff dreams are made of... that peace of mind... and that small measure of peace...

lazy days...

it's weird how things go... days and time seem to slow down to a snail's pace... life seems to be taking its time, letting me feel its course, its pulse, its bittersweet taste... the everyday rutine is like a conditioned reflex, done without giving to much thought to it... just go through the days doing whatever I have to do, occasionally skipping classes 'cause of lack of sleep... when you feel sleepy only around 4am it's kinda hard to wake up at 7 am... pills aren't an option either, 'cause I don't wanna pop'em like M&Ms... so... who knows... maybe something interesting will come along... hopefuly something that won't screw up the peace of mind I've so recently found... gonna attend Japanese language classes this evening... finally something good in this crappy university... other than that... just living out the days, enjoying every second of'em...

at it again...

school started yesterday for me... actually it started like a week ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to go back to the friggin college city so soon after I got rid of all that business... so... here I am again waiting for the days to pass and get back home to my friends, girlfriend and family... too much running around and laming in this city... too many cars, too many people just running around like crazy, each with their own problems and thoughts... and school... goddammit... if I'd have known that we're gonna me taught by retarded teachers, I'd have never signed up for this crap... morons don't know what an odd or even number is... so I heard the dumbest shit I've ever heard from the mouth of a teacher... either way... after finishing my exams, I got the news that I don't have to pay for school anymore 'cause of the grades I got... so now the government pays for my college... up theirs... I guess it's just another calm before the storm... that's usually the way it goes... some months of quiet time, then the chaos starts again... but heck... I'm enjoying every second of this... better make the best of it, 'cause this is as good as it gets :P

who'd have thought

heh... I guess it all went smoothly and I came out ok out of that whole ordeal... who'd have thought it's possible... after all those weeks and hundreds of hours of incessant study and nervous breakdowns, I finally managed to get it all done... it was a miracle that it went alright 'cause I never thought it's possible... I guess I managed to surprise myself after such a long time... and now... now everything fell into place like clockwork, I don't have to worry about all those exams, I just have to see how I'll enjoy this new feeling of happiness that came with it... it's a new feeling for me. For the first time in a long time... I'm ok... and I can say wholeheartedly that everything's alright... who'd have thought...

long hard way out of hell...

it's going pretty decent with the friggin exams...sure, it's pretty nerv wracking but heck, in the end the fact that I've pased these first ones is all that matters... the stress that keeps piling up will dissipate with time and i guess in the end, one way or the other, it will all work out.... hopefuly for the best.... 'till that time comes.... I only hope I won't lose my wits
or don't become too changed in the process.... heck... when all this is over, i'm gonna be the happiest man in the world... still got a long way to go though.... at least i've started all this crap with the right foot.... who knows, I might just get outta this alive... I wanna live... I wanna love... but it's a long hard way outta hell...

darkest hour...

today's the day the shit hits the fan... 10 exams that define my near-future... too bad there's nowhere else to run... did that 'till now, and look what it ammounted to... too bad life doesn't stop... even when it should stop... but heck... there's no escaping it... might as well take the plunge and hope I come out the other side in one piece... and with 0 exams left... fuck I hate this... nowhere else to run...