bridge of sighs

I guess I made it through last week... bleedin' Construction Systems Exposition was a load of crap. Tiresome and bothersome stuff to do every day for 10h straight. Standing, talking on and on about crap people wanted to know... Gotten better at last, the cough and the stuffed nose finally went away, I was sick as hell for about 1.5 weeks. At some point I had this feeling that everything's pointless, and that that fair was bringing nothing more than more headaches and more work than actual customers and an actual profit. I guess that work means progress for the business, but that's about it. Didn't really have time to think about anything for the past 5 days, but during the night, the dark came creeping back in through the broken door of my mind... An avalanche of shapeless and colorless thoughts, lacking coherence, going on like a mobius script in my head. Only thing they managed to do is hurl me into confusion, worse off than before. It's just the feeling of emptiness and futility that's filling me to the brim, leaving me reeling and stunned. I thought about all my friends and how everyone's bent on leaving, one way or the other. In the end I ended up counting the people I could call my friends on my fingers, and I'd still have a couple of fingers left to spare. I guess this is just life following its course, it's just that I'd have never imagined my life to be like this. It's hard enough dealing with my own screwed up mind, now it feels like I started losing some of my friends or losing contact with'em. Everyone's gotten so busy all of a sudden, either with work, or with school, or with anything else, it just feels like there's never enough time to do anything like we used to anymore. Now we go out for a couple o' drinks in the chillmusic bar we usually go to, and we just sit there staring at the walls, listening to music all sprawled on the bean bags they have there, with our thoughts racing to thousands of different things. We just sigh all the time and mope and go like "-Maaan... this is screwed! -What is? -Everything... -Yeah... it is, isn't it?" and that about concludes our conversation for that evening... Weather's more screwed now than ever, it's gotten colder and uglier than usual. Went for a smoke last night around 3:30 am, and the wind was howling like a wounded animal. Felt like it's the end of the world, with such an ugly snow fall the flakes were coming down in chunks... Haven't felt the sun's warmth in 4 months already... getting really nauseous of all the friggin cold and snow and thick warm clothes, and jackets and hats, and gloves... the slush, and the humidity... Today's back to school again... another week of eating other people's shit, and preparing ridiculously huge projects that don't count for anything, we just do'em, hand'em over... the bastards just dump'em in some supply rooms, and grade you based on your face or clothes. Being taught by teachers that don't know left from right, or that use big words they don't even know the meaning to... They just make up senseless phrases, uttered with the an "intelligent" look in their eyes that resembles that of a paralized possum. I'm tired and worn out, and my energy level is negative already after so much bullshit, but I guess I've got no time to complain and just have to move forward even if I like it or not... been doing it for so long, I should be used to it by now... well I'm not... I'm just standing on my own bridge of sighs, watching the black waters below me...

what next ?

next semester of school started... filled with the same crap over and over again... to add hurt to injury, the weather's more screwed now than it ever was... now it's snowing, after 10 mins, it's sunny, after another 10 it's raining, after another 10 it's snowing... It's bad enough as it is, but the slush that's left after this whole deal's enough to give anyone an aneurism... You're walking and you can barely see where you're going 'cause of all the stuff that gets in your eyes, you're all wet and you can't walk around without splashing that grey crudd all over youself... Not to mention the devastating effects it has on my psyche... Weather's doing its part in screwing me over, my dad's doing the rest. He already planned out my next week for me, as in I gotta help him with some presentations at the Construction Exposition. Oh goody, 5 days of waking up at 8 in the morning, and spending 10 - 12 hours dressed up in a suit and tie, handing out fliers, and giving information about stuff I don't really care about or know anything about. But I guess my workforce's less expensive than any other employee's my maintenance consists of food, water, and some pocket money... So much for my quiet leisure time spent at home, after a tiresome week dealing with retarded teachers, and idiotic classes and labs, walking around through rain and snow, all alone 'cause everybody else's busy with their lives... My weeks are spent in my own company, walking alone to and from school, avoiding the moronic discussions of my classmates that think soccer's the center of the universe, or that the hindi pop shit they listen to is actual music, and that their shiny leather shoes are the coolest thing since they came up with bottled water... I just can't take the idiocy that seems to fill every corner of that university. So I spend my days alone, locked up in my room, typing away at my book, thinking about the few friends I've got left at home, playing Doom3, reading Haruki Murakami, watching anime, listening to music, barely eating, smoking like a steam engine, drinking galons of coke, and basically being numb all the time. Barely spoken to anyone for the better part of last week... I came home, I think I'd have someone to talk to... but my parents jump on my ass the second I walk in the door, with stuff I didn't do, or stuff I gotta do, and how dissappointed they are with me, and how they'd like me to change and not mope all the goddamn time... as if I like the depression and dark thoughts I'm swimming in... ah bullshit... nobody really gives a damn about all this, I'm sure, as well as I'm sure that I'm not the only one feeling like this... live's a bitch and then you die, right ? 'till then... what next ?