bad to worse...

heh... keeping the tone and the mood of the other posts... I'm back here again... worse off than before. To top it all off school just kicked off today, with a new stock of crap and trouble. I guess I don't get to complain 'cause I decided to go to EVERY class we have... even the boring ones. Gotta snap out of this state some time, and maybe some mind labour would do me some good. Although I seriously doubt it. Leaving for the friggin college city again, tonight. So pretty happy about that. Back into that place, spending way too much time with myself, as my mind has time to drift to all kinds of weird thoughts that cut deep, open wounds, and screw my morale... It's not on a high level as it is, but with those thoughts it drops below 0. Cain said I'm a boring SoB for writing in this thingie only when I'm screwed, that I'll leave the impression that I'm constantly depressed... hmm... maybe I am, but then again, I hate this state, and try to get outta it constantly. I guess I have to change my thought pattern, from extremely pessimistic, to light optimistic... or SOMETHING. It's getting really old really fast, and nothing good comes from it. This place beats all the optimism and all the smile out of you... live here long enough and you end up like the rest of the 22 milion people... still living, but without a soul... the spark in their eyes faded, the smiles rusty and dull... Come to think about it, who gives a flyin' fart in space about the rest of the 22 milion ? The people I care about could be counted on my fingers... gotta run...
Right, so I'm back after 4h, to complete this damn entry and... heh I still have no time... gotta get some food, and catch bleeding train... prolly gonna edit this entry some other time... crap I hate this...

slipping again...

Heh, finally I'm on vacation. Even though it's only a week, I intend to make the best of it... so confused and numb lately. I'm just staring out the window, or staring at my hands like they're the most interesting thing I've ever seen in awhile. I guess I'm just depressed as usual. I don't even know what's wrong with me... Now I'm depressed, after half an hour, I'm hyperactive and laughing at everything around me... then I'm depressed again. I think I'm defective. As if that wasn't obvious enough. I'm typing out this post, but heck... my mind's swimming, and my thoughts race in thousands of different directions, so I guess I don't have any interesting things to say... I'm typing my book, and it's starting gain some substance... looks like it's gonna take me awhile before I can finish it... eh who knows ? there's plenty of time for that... for now, I'm gonna crawl back to my coffee and chill music, and stop ranting sensless crap in this blog... sore jya~

something wrong with the whole picture

I'm writting this while in a state of extreme confusion. Don't know why though. I'm confused enough it took me 3 mins to type out the previous two sentences. Something's wrong with the whole picture... apparently I've no reason whatsoever to be depressed, but I am... and I can't seem to explain why, not to myself nor to anyone else. I just find myself staring out the window with a blank look on my face... it's like I'm somewhere else, doing something else, feeling something else. Then with the same expression I go into the kitchen and fix myself something to eat, and keeping that blank expression I come back to my room, eat... then space out again, and stare out the window... I guess winter's taking its toll on me... Ignoring the decrepit sight I see outside - decaying buildings all dirty and collapsing, holes in the pavement the size of small craters, kids running around with cardboard boxes in the backyards of appartment buildings that look more like abandoned than enhabited - the sky's so grey and gloomy, it's like it's waiting to collapse on the world and crush it under its weight... Trees look like some skeletons, with their hands dangling in the freezing breeze. It's cold and wet and inhospitable. People walking around with blank expressions on their faces, most of them smoking, others playing "manele" on their cellphones, all looking so bored or worried about tomorrow. I found myself daydreaming about summer and warm times when ravio and mori will come to visit, and started making plans about what to do and what to visit while they're here. Then I daydreamt about going to Japan this summer, to study the language there in Osaka for 90 days, then I realized that tuition for 90 days with the admission fee and some small extra fees would add up to 1100eu, (which I don't have nor have I any way of getting that kinda cash) then there's the plane tickets that would be around 2000eu so I realized that... I'm never gonna see Japan... even though my parents said they'll pay for the trip, there's no way they're gonna pay those 1100eu. Not because they don't want to, but they simply can't afford it all... Besides that, I can't work during college either 'cause next semmester I gotta try really hard not to gather up any more failed exams, and I gotta pass the ones I've failed in this exam session to have a bleeding decent summer for a change... a summer holiday in which I'll do things wholeheartedly, and not worry about anything related to school... bah... I'm ranting on and on about stuff no one really cares about but me... so I guess I'll wrap this entry up right about now and stop the whining and the bitching about the petty things that make up my life... so fucked up right now...