White

christmas... emptier than ever, scarier than ever, lonelier than ever... Bleak, textureless solitude... insomnia, paranoia, insanity, choke, break, fear, despair, confusion, senselessness, numbness... terror, hunger, anxiety, isolation, nightmares, psychosomatic, erratic REM, disease, sickness, dysfunctionality... scared... tired... fed up...

Stone Sour Cardiff Lyrics
This fluid feels like pain - This stoic mood is all in vain.
I reach into the dark - I tear this other me apart.
How many years ago - How many deaths I can’t let go.
My flesh is temporary - My god, extraordinary.

You.. can't.. kill.. MY.. MIND..
A man delivered
Can never make his way in darkness.
I know tonight will end, but I won’t give
This life away again.

Shifting through the same debris - Oh my father, call to me.
This smoke is in my blood - This hope is just no good.
Save me from my bitterness - Give me up, I did my best.
Shock this system full of shit - Mock this fucker lost in it.

You.. can't.. kill.. MY.. MIND..
A man delivered
Can never make his way in darkness.
I know tonight will end, but I won’t give
This life away.
I won’t give this life away again.

A man surrendered, can never find his own forgiveness.
I know my life will end, but I won’t give tonight away.
I won’t give tonight away again.

This fluid feels like pain - This ruin feels like rain.
I’ll reach into the past - My futures fading fast.
How many years ago - How many I let go.
My flesh is all I have - My face is happenstance.
This smoke is in my blood - This life is not enough.

The small measure of peace

Finally! I can say that I've made it this far again. Not without bruises and blows taken, but I made it this far, and that's all that matters. Finally got a small measure of peace I so desperately needed, and the break from all the incessant madness going on around me . Still haven't managed to sleep properly, but who can really sleep with all the stuff to do, and when the time you've got seems too short to do everything you've planned on doing. Other than the nightmares that've been plaguing me lately, everything's peachy. I'm spending time with my friends, and I'm holding on to the few friends I've got left. Got some gaming done, and Admin status in the America's Army Clan I've joined, so I guess that's a plus. Didn't really have the appropriate weather to go swimming & sunbathing, but I guess there's a time and place for that too. Wanna get my driver's license soon, and wanna get a lotta stuff done. So many things, so little time. But it's ok now... the water's have finally calmed down for another while.

somebody, someone

popped by an internet caffe between the exam and the oral exam. Don't know when I even updated this blog, and I don't know why the heck I'm updating it again instead of studying on. I can't take the pressure anymore, my mind refuses to suck up any new information, and I'm stuck in a situation where I can't friggin learn and I can't friggin do ANYTHING else 'cause I have to learn and pass the damn exams. They're just making it a helluva lot harder for us just cause they like to see us squirm. And god knows I've been squirming like a damn maggot for the last few weeks. No end in sight to all the bullshit, and the importance of this period is of the highest degree. I gotta get through this, and come out in one piece on the other side, lest I lose everything I've managed to build up so far. It's getting so goddamn frustrating and bleak and desperate. By the time I'll be done with these things, I'll be a utter wreck. Who gives a shit, right ? I know... that's what I've been getting lately from everyone around me... "Who gives a shit ?" They all say "It's gonna be ok" but I'm the one that has to pull it off, and I'm the one that REALLY knows how fucked the whole thing is... I feel the pressure every day. it's not like I can forget... either way... gotta get outta here, and get to the fuckin' exam. With a little bit of luck I'll pass this son of a bitch and I'll get good results for the A.I. exam. screw it, I'm out...

a limit to everything except pain.

You'd think that at some point, everyone's life takes a turn for calmer waters and settles down, and gets more peaceful. Not everyone's though, there are people to whom the saying "No rest for the wicked" wholly applies. After a whole year of taking crap from teachers and working my ass off, I go through the exam session, and come out the other side all torn up and broken, just to get into another exam session. I guess that's life's way of letting me know my place, and killing any semblance of a dream I might get. More confused now than ever and I'm just exploding with all the hate I keep bottled up inside. It's getting to the point where it's distorting my perception of reality, twisting and reshaping everything around me into a reflection of what's inside the rotting halls of my mind. Spent a week locked up inside my room, toil away, alone in the dark, studying hundreds upon hundreds of pages. No tv, no comp, no net, no music... just the damn papers and the info, and all the tricks a mind plays when it's fed daily with too much isolation. No GODDAMN REST FOR THE FUCKIN' WICKED... well I'm sick and fed up of/with everything. I just wanna go to bed and wake up in happier circumstances... like that'll be the day. More updates to come.

Metabolic

Gone - I couldnt murder your promise
Right before my eyes
The revolutions of my psychosis
Kept me outta the way
Once - inside - all I hold is ash...
Fall - suppressing every feeling
I'm in so much pain
I have every fuckin right to hate you
I cant take it!!!
The hardest part was knowing that I could never be you
Now all I do is sit around and wish I could forget you
My demise - I took a life worth living and
Made it worth a mockery
I deny - I fold, but they keep on coming
(stop) I'm always ready to die
But you're killing me
Who are you to me? who am I to you?
Is this a lesson in nepotistic negligence?
By default, you are my only link to the outside
Psychosomatic suicide
Where were you when I was down?
Can you show me a way...To face everyday with this face - goodbye
My demise - I took a life worth living and
Made it worth a mockery
I deny - I fold, but they keep on coming
(stop) I'm always ready to die
But you're killing me
When I blur my eyes, they make the whole
World breathe - I see you fucking me
And I am absolutely controlling every urge
To mutilate - the one and only answer
So much for memories...I wanna derss in your insecurities
And be the perfect you - I'm through
I'm out-stretched out for all to loathe
Here we go - the ultimate irony

the sweet smell of purgatory

so very happy about how all this is going... I guess it's just a recursive situation linked directly to college. Exams are comin' my way again. This time they hit when I'm the most tired, fed-up, antisocial, and downright crushed... It's nothing new for me, it's just that everything's falling apart around me, and through all the worries and problems I've got so far, now I have to worry about friggin exams too... you gotta love life's tendency to stomp you when you're down like a half-dead frog being run over by a truck. I guess I should've gotten used to it by now, but no... you never get used to the series of sledgehammers life hits you with... I've read something in a book written by Haruki Murakami, that stuck with me. I think it went something like "Stop pitying yourself... only morons do that.". I've tried to live by that sentence ever since, and it's proving more difficult than I've expected... There are times when I just feel like going "This is not fair! Why the fuck is this happening?" but I realize the futility of that question, and just clench my teeth and move on. While typing this thing out, I just feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over again, and it also feels like I'm saying the same thing over and over again throughout this whole bleeding blog... but who cares ? I'm whining and bitching about shit that happens to me, and things I feel on a fuckin' web page, 'cause everybody else is too busy running around and laming and either working or doing nothing in particular and I find myself being left behind with the acrid smell of purgatory floating in my head... I guess that's just life on living...

falling back into hatred...

weird weird period of my life this one. Technically I feel I'm somewhat regressing to old feelings I haven't felt in such a long time, I forgot how they even "looked like". Been kinda short-tempered lately, maybe because of all the comotion with the easter and everything. Didn't really have time for anything least of all for myself. I've been reevaluating a lot of the things that make up my life, connections with other people, humane interactions, and even the stupid chats I engage in daily... Somehow it seems like all I manage to do is to offend the people I come in contact with, and probably after finishing this blog entry I'm gonna unwillingly insult some more people... you know who you are... I don't really know why, or how, but it just seems like all I ever managed to do lately is put my foot in my mouth each time I started talking. Worse of all is all the hatred that's slowly taking over my mental mood lately, like a slow action poison that corrodes everything it touches. I guess I feel like I'm trapped in a glass room screaming at the people watching me from the outside, but they never seem to hear what I'm saying. Yeah, that's the best that could describe my current state of mind. I'm on vacation, but it doesn't feel like anything special... Easter least of all... it didn't feel special at all this yeah, it was just another day like so many others. I got dragged to a couple of graveyards yesterday morning, and a lot of fun that was... Listening for about 3 straight hours of a priest's mindless incessant babble almost turned me into a wailing nutcase. But I guess it's the least I could do to please my parents... After all I guess it was time spent with the family... I don't know... feeling so isolated and neglected lately, I don't know what to believe anymore... gonna wrap this entry up... probably gonna add a new one some time this week...

barely pushing forward...

here I am again, updating this blog thingie... I guess it's slowly starting to take up some considerable size. Nothing really new to add to the former posts, except that the state of confusion I was talking about is kinda amplified now... and I've been trying desperately to get out of the "pit I fell in". So now my mood alternates between depression, hyperactivity, laughter, sadness, depression, worry, depression and some more depression and worry... heh, I guess I register as a class A mental case. Somehow it feels I'm moving forward, but I can't tell for sure. I'm more composed than a few weeks ago, but still so confused. I've been typing away at my book some more, and it seems it started to develop pretty well... I can hardly wait to finish it and see if I manage to publish it... but that's gonna happen (if it's gonna happen) in the somewhat distant future. I mailed the Meric Language School in Osaka as my Japanese teacher suggested, but still no reply yet. I wonder why that doesn't surprise me... Everything seems so faded and bleak, and my mood isn't helping anything. I guess now that the weather's improved a bit it feels a little bit better, but what can I say? It's not enough to fully get back to my old happy mental state... I'll wrap this entry up... I can't really think straight right now...

bridge of sighs

I guess I made it through last week... bleedin' Construction Systems Exposition was a load of crap. Tiresome and bothersome stuff to do every day for 10h straight. Standing, talking on and on about crap people wanted to know... Gotten better at last, the cough and the stuffed nose finally went away, I was sick as hell for about 1.5 weeks. At some point I had this feeling that everything's pointless, and that that fair was bringing nothing more than more headaches and more work than actual customers and an actual profit. I guess that work means progress for the business, but that's about it. Didn't really have time to think about anything for the past 5 days, but during the night, the dark came creeping back in through the broken door of my mind... An avalanche of shapeless and colorless thoughts, lacking coherence, going on like a mobius script in my head. Only thing they managed to do is hurl me into confusion, worse off than before. It's just the feeling of emptiness and futility that's filling me to the brim, leaving me reeling and stunned. I thought about all my friends and how everyone's bent on leaving, one way or the other. In the end I ended up counting the people I could call my friends on my fingers, and I'd still have a couple of fingers left to spare. I guess this is just life following its course, it's just that I'd have never imagined my life to be like this. It's hard enough dealing with my own screwed up mind, now it feels like I started losing some of my friends or losing contact with'em. Everyone's gotten so busy all of a sudden, either with work, or with school, or with anything else, it just feels like there's never enough time to do anything like we used to anymore. Now we go out for a couple o' drinks in the chillmusic bar we usually go to, and we just sit there staring at the walls, listening to music all sprawled on the bean bags they have there, with our thoughts racing to thousands of different things. We just sigh all the time and mope and go like "-Maaan... this is screwed! -What is? -Everything... -Yeah... it is, isn't it?" and that about concludes our conversation for that evening... Weather's more screwed now than ever, it's gotten colder and uglier than usual. Went for a smoke last night around 3:30 am, and the wind was howling like a wounded animal. Felt like it's the end of the world, with such an ugly snow fall the flakes were coming down in chunks... Haven't felt the sun's warmth in 4 months already... getting really nauseous of all the friggin cold and snow and thick warm clothes, and jackets and hats, and gloves... the slush, and the humidity... Today's back to school again... another week of eating other people's shit, and preparing ridiculously huge projects that don't count for anything, we just do'em, hand'em over... the bastards just dump'em in some supply rooms, and grade you based on your face or clothes. Being taught by teachers that don't know left from right, or that use big words they don't even know the meaning to... They just make up senseless phrases, uttered with the an "intelligent" look in their eyes that resembles that of a paralized possum. I'm tired and worn out, and my energy level is negative already after so much bullshit, but I guess I've got no time to complain and just have to move forward even if I like it or not... been doing it for so long, I should be used to it by now... well I'm not... I'm just standing on my own bridge of sighs, watching the black waters below me...

what next ?

next semester of school started... filled with the same crap over and over again... to add hurt to injury, the weather's more screwed now than it ever was... now it's snowing, after 10 mins, it's sunny, after another 10 it's raining, after another 10 it's snowing... It's bad enough as it is, but the slush that's left after this whole deal's enough to give anyone an aneurism... You're walking and you can barely see where you're going 'cause of all the stuff that gets in your eyes, you're all wet and you can't walk around without splashing that grey crudd all over youself... Not to mention the devastating effects it has on my psyche... Weather's doing its part in screwing me over, my dad's doing the rest. He already planned out my next week for me, as in I gotta help him with some presentations at the Construction Exposition. Oh goody, 5 days of waking up at 8 in the morning, and spending 10 - 12 hours dressed up in a suit and tie, handing out fliers, and giving information about stuff I don't really care about or know anything about. But I guess my workforce's less expensive than any other employee's my maintenance consists of food, water, and some pocket money... So much for my quiet leisure time spent at home, after a tiresome week dealing with retarded teachers, and idiotic classes and labs, walking around through rain and snow, all alone 'cause everybody else's busy with their lives... My weeks are spent in my own company, walking alone to and from school, avoiding the moronic discussions of my classmates that think soccer's the center of the universe, or that the hindi pop shit they listen to is actual music, and that their shiny leather shoes are the coolest thing since they came up with bottled water... I just can't take the idiocy that seems to fill every corner of that university. So I spend my days alone, locked up in my room, typing away at my book, thinking about the few friends I've got left at home, playing Doom3, reading Haruki Murakami, watching anime, listening to music, barely eating, smoking like a steam engine, drinking galons of coke, and basically being numb all the time. Barely spoken to anyone for the better part of last week... I came home, I think I'd have someone to talk to... but my parents jump on my ass the second I walk in the door, with stuff I didn't do, or stuff I gotta do, and how dissappointed they are with me, and how they'd like me to change and not mope all the goddamn time... as if I like the depression and dark thoughts I'm swimming in... ah bullshit... nobody really gives a damn about all this, I'm sure, as well as I'm sure that I'm not the only one feeling like this... live's a bitch and then you die, right ? 'till then... what next ?

bad to worse...

heh... keeping the tone and the mood of the other posts... I'm back here again... worse off than before. To top it all off school just kicked off today, with a new stock of crap and trouble. I guess I don't get to complain 'cause I decided to go to EVERY class we have... even the boring ones. Gotta snap out of this state some time, and maybe some mind labour would do me some good. Although I seriously doubt it. Leaving for the friggin college city again, tonight. So pretty happy about that. Back into that place, spending way too much time with myself, as my mind has time to drift to all kinds of weird thoughts that cut deep, open wounds, and screw my morale... It's not on a high level as it is, but with those thoughts it drops below 0. Cain said I'm a boring SoB for writing in this thingie only when I'm screwed, that I'll leave the impression that I'm constantly depressed... hmm... maybe I am, but then again, I hate this state, and try to get outta it constantly. I guess I have to change my thought pattern, from extremely pessimistic, to light optimistic... or SOMETHING. It's getting really old really fast, and nothing good comes from it. This place beats all the optimism and all the smile out of you... live here long enough and you end up like the rest of the 22 milion people... still living, but without a soul... the spark in their eyes faded, the smiles rusty and dull... Come to think about it, who gives a flyin' fart in space about the rest of the 22 milion ? The people I care about could be counted on my fingers... gotta run...
Right, so I'm back after 4h, to complete this damn entry and... heh I still have no time... gotta get some food, and catch bleeding train... prolly gonna edit this entry some other time... crap I hate this...

slipping again...

Heh, finally I'm on vacation. Even though it's only a week, I intend to make the best of it... so confused and numb lately. I'm just staring out the window, or staring at my hands like they're the most interesting thing I've ever seen in awhile. I guess I'm just depressed as usual. I don't even know what's wrong with me... Now I'm depressed, after half an hour, I'm hyperactive and laughing at everything around me... then I'm depressed again. I think I'm defective. As if that wasn't obvious enough. I'm typing out this post, but heck... my mind's swimming, and my thoughts race in thousands of different directions, so I guess I don't have any interesting things to say... I'm typing my book, and it's starting gain some substance... looks like it's gonna take me awhile before I can finish it... eh who knows ? there's plenty of time for that... for now, I'm gonna crawl back to my coffee and chill music, and stop ranting sensless crap in this blog... sore jya~

something wrong with the whole picture

I'm writting this while in a state of extreme confusion. Don't know why though. I'm confused enough it took me 3 mins to type out the previous two sentences. Something's wrong with the whole picture... apparently I've no reason whatsoever to be depressed, but I am... and I can't seem to explain why, not to myself nor to anyone else. I just find myself staring out the window with a blank look on my face... it's like I'm somewhere else, doing something else, feeling something else. Then with the same expression I go into the kitchen and fix myself something to eat, and keeping that blank expression I come back to my room, eat... then space out again, and stare out the window... I guess winter's taking its toll on me... Ignoring the decrepit sight I see outside - decaying buildings all dirty and collapsing, holes in the pavement the size of small craters, kids running around with cardboard boxes in the backyards of appartment buildings that look more like abandoned than enhabited - the sky's so grey and gloomy, it's like it's waiting to collapse on the world and crush it under its weight... Trees look like some skeletons, with their hands dangling in the freezing breeze. It's cold and wet and inhospitable. People walking around with blank expressions on their faces, most of them smoking, others playing "manele" on their cellphones, all looking so bored or worried about tomorrow. I found myself daydreaming about summer and warm times when ravio and mori will come to visit, and started making plans about what to do and what to visit while they're here. Then I daydreamt about going to Japan this summer, to study the language there in Osaka for 90 days, then I realized that tuition for 90 days with the admission fee and some small extra fees would add up to 1100eu, (which I don't have nor have I any way of getting that kinda cash) then there's the plane tickets that would be around 2000eu so I realized that... I'm never gonna see Japan... even though my parents said they'll pay for the trip, there's no way they're gonna pay those 1100eu. Not because they don't want to, but they simply can't afford it all... Besides that, I can't work during college either 'cause next semmester I gotta try really hard not to gather up any more failed exams, and I gotta pass the ones I've failed in this exam session to have a bleeding decent summer for a change... a summer holiday in which I'll do things wholeheartedly, and not worry about anything related to school... bah... I'm ranting on and on about stuff no one really cares about but me... so I guess I'll wrap this entry up right about now and stop the whining and the bitching about the petty things that make up my life... so fucked up right now...

complications

heh... it's damn late at night and I should be sleeping...I'm knackered... but I thought I'd take the time to get this thingie updated... I should be sleeping right now 'cause I'm in "exam session" but fuck me if I know why the heck I don't just sleep at regular hours... eat at regular hours, so on and so forth... I guess the routine is something I'm allergic to. I hate this time of the year... every year it's the same thing... exams, exams, exams... they just keep going on, don't they ? Bad part is they came this year at a time when I'm screwed up... mentally and physically. Fallen sick a few days ago, and it seems I'm friggin short tempered lately. I'm constatly ready to blow for anything... even though I don't say anything and just suck it up... I'm surprisingly easy to tick off, I've noticed, though I can't seem to put my finger on the "why". I guess I'm just numb again... I barely feel anything anymore, save for the few moments spent together with my sweetie, and quite frankly it's her that keeps me going right now... if it weren't for her, I think I'd be breakin' down at this point... it's nice to know someone's thinking about you every now and then... I don't know how coherent this post is up until now 'cause I'm bleeding T I R E D, but something tells me you people don't really care about coherency all that much... either way... I'm wrappin' this entry up and hittin' the sack... mata na~